Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Civil War

The title was just a subtle ploy to get more traffic to this site by some poor kids who probably are googling their homework tearing their hair in desperation. Well, they're not the only ones, I keep wondering why for the past few posts, I have had a depressing "no comments" status. Well, I've realised comments flood to the post when I write about

a) embarrassing stuff about me
b) think of some highly intellectual humour stuff
c) when am confused

So going by the first point, I have not been in any major embarrassing scrape, and my mind is mush considering all the exam preparation I've been at. So I'll have to settle for the third thing, confusion. Now, confusion is simply a decent term for controversy and nothing strikes Indian minds' fancy other than controversies and conspiracies. Nay, I'd say every one's mentality. Of course, this isn't a newspaper to sell, its about me for crying out loud, and am the least bit controversial person you'll find.

So what does confused me do? I attempt to make you laugh on a subject we've all heard, I attempt to make you see both sides of an issue that if you have not heard as an Indian, you've probably just immigrated here. And don't worry, if I fail, you have a beautiful rendition to enjoy by Mr. Krish Ashok, my Ekalavya Guru to blogging here.

Ms.V and Ms. N.V. sit at a table in one of those few restaurants that serve both vegetarian and non-vegetarian buffets where the following conversation ensues, enter waiter stage left.

Part 1: The Argument

Waiter: What would you like to order madams?
N.V   : One hot and sour chicken soup please.
V       : (slight narrowing of eyes) Cream of tomato with masala papad.
(Waiter leaves)
          : So you're non-vegetarian?
N.V   : No! I mean, yes. You said it so accusingly, I just had to say no.
V       : Well yes, you're a good friend of mine, I never dreamed you'd keep this from me.
N.V   : Oh we should have a dietary status - vegetarian, non-vegetarian, eggitarian, vegan on facebook ;) Come on, I didn't think it was important.
V       : But just now you told me you hate cruelty to animals?
N.V   : Why yes I do! I don't like animals being cooped up in tiny cages or bred in inhumane, sorry, inanimate, sorry um... bad conditions.
V       : You don't realise the obvious cruelty to animals here?
(Waiter arrives with food)
N.V   : (Ladling a spoon), no I don't. If I do, I wouldn't eat would I?
V      : But your causing pain, destruction. You yourself, a feminist, have told time and again the system comes from an individual and if you do not change, how will the system?
N.V  : Look let's eat and then talk about this. (making a mental note to never take V to a non-vegetarian restaurant that serves great hot and sour soup ever again).
V     : You know what? Let's leave, you never know these kitchens, mixing veg and non-veg things up.
N.V : Oh let me just finish this soup. That's a tad too much I feel, come on eat up. I could say the same thing you know. Be affronted am at a place that serves both.
V     : What? Its quite alright, I've lost my appetite.
N.V : Oh come on, I can't see you like this, let's go wherever you want.

(They go travelling round the city).

Part 2: Convincing N.V

V      : Are you afraid of death?
N.V  : Sometimes, when am alone at night.
V      : Then, how can you justify this killing spree?
N.V  : I don't know, I was brought up that way.
V      : Don't you feel murderous?
N.V : Not really, no.
V     : Look at that, look at all those meat shops, the smell, the blood, look at all those poor things.
N.V : Stop, I get it. Look, I don't know about this.
V     : Would you eat a human?
N.V : Eeew! Of course not!
V     : Why does not that translate all into lower beings? Why are you so insensitive?
N.V : Being sensitive means caring about every animal's feeling? Well you don't seem very sensitive to my feelings.
V     : Come on, I want to help you.
N.V : Oh no! Am actually being convinced. I am sensitive. I do care, I can't imagine am snuffing out some character's life like Eragon realised.
V     : I knew you would be.
N.V : And it doesn't help I got the same advice from my best friend too.
V     : It's good for you, it's good for your planet and it doesn't pollute your soul or your environment.
N.V : Ok, what's the harm? I'll try.

Part 3: The Conflict

V     : So how's it going?
N.V : Been vegetarian for a month.
V     : Don't you feel better already?
N.V : Not really, I ate like twice a week and an egg every day, its not like a big difference.
V     : You must feel a heavy weight off your soul.
N.V : Well, it seems to make my friends happy.
V     : See, you soul is pure, the environment is pure.
N.V  : Look, you're right, I don't like hurting animals. So this is better. But I don't think it purifies the soul and all. Then, Mother Teresa would have to be impure. And the environment? Sure, I feel we have to have more environment-friendly meat centers, doesn't imply that meat is bad.
V      :  Meat is bad. It has fat that's bad for you.
N.V. : You get more protein too.
V     : So? Eat a lot more pulses. When you have veg choices, why go for non-veg?
N.V : Look, am veg now.. free.

Part 4: The Conclusion

Here Ms.V's best friend comes.

V 2.0 : Hi! Ms. V says your a new vegetarian.
N.V   : No I've gone back. You've gotta explain to her I've been going crazy for the past few months.
V 2.0 : It isn't such a big deal if you ask me.
N.V   :  Why yes, you see I've started feeling sorry for everything now.
V 2.0 : Yes I know, mechanised milking of cows?
N.V   : You read my mind, even plants, am a avid gardener, I can feel plants dying you know?
V 2.0 : Especially those they rip off the roots I suppose (with a sly grin)
N.V   : Obviously relieved am not freaking out anymore.
V 2.0 : Its law of nature, you need some form of life to survive. Its a personal choice.
N.V   : Wow I've never seen a vegetarian so cool about this!
V 2.0 : Its a personal choice like I said, depends on how you've been brought up.
N.V  : Exactly! I can't eat beef or squid or any other new animal 'cause am not used to it.
V 2.0: I'll tell V, you relax. Now how about some hot and sour soup? One veg and one non-veg?

So as of now, am non-vegetarian. I may change in future, I may not. And I don't eat in front of vegetarians. It's a choice. I don't think I ended up making anyone laugh, just gave some food for thought :)


  1. Confusing stuff on top of your mumbo jumbo vocabulary. And you expect people to comment? :P

  2. Well you commented didn't you :) thanks :P

  3. Yeah, I hate when I see people crying in their blog posts longing for comments. Guess, I saved you the trouble. ;)

  4. Omg, it did make me laugh! I can totally relate to the vegan issue because I'm surrounded by vegans. It's always a dilemma, but this has cleared it up for me. It's alright to be a non-vegetarian even if you are against animal cruelty :) And I take confused to a whole new level- indecisiveness. Cannot make a decision in a restaurant at all :P

  5. Hey no long time no see :D thanks ya :) So awesome no? I think every non-vegetarian faces this :D