Still I Rise

Today I had my classical dance (Bharatanatyam Salangai Pooja). It’s the first symptom of a deep seated passion.

I started learning at the age of 22. I have been ridiculed from the beginning, why do you need to strain yourself, you’re not getting it. You already have a successful career, why do you need to pursue something you are mediocre? Passion doesn’t listen to reason. And in the course of my studies, I actually did fail after three years and quite rightly so at that point in time. I picked myself up again and trained harder.

The beginning of this year has been the worst of everything. I honestly believed at one point my life was meaningless and worthless and I was simply going through the motions of plain existence. I threw myself into dance — I started going for classes 4 times a week. It was my sanctuary. In that one hour, I was free from mental trauma. It was a wonderful meditation, for body, mind and soul.

My teacher then suggested I do a salangai pooja. I was highly skeptical. I slowly agreed. I started saving up for it. I blocked everything else that made me happy because I didn’t trust my mind with what it perceived as happiness any more. And the peace that dance gave me was too sacred to ignore.

I went on stage and danced my life out. In 2013, I casually prayed to Lord Nataraja at Chidambaram that I’d love to learn Bharatanatyam. In 2018, unexpectedly, I offered this small token performance in a temple. As an agnostic, Bharatanatyam has been free enough to let me explore my faith.

I am sadly a perfectionist. And I fought my stage fear when I know I’m far from perfect. I know my Natyarambha became lopsided after half hour. I knew my adavus became heavier and heavier. But my one constant was my smile. Because the one fundamental thing that dance taught me is that I am enough. When my body couldn’t digest food in depression, my mind couldn’t hold onto hope, dance gave me a purpose to cling on to that permanent non-damageable soul.

Aham Brahmasmi

TL;DR

I rose like a phoenix,
From the ashes of doom,
In fiery tones of orange and red.

 

 

The Invisible Gender

This post is dedicated to people who identify themselves with the third gender. In India, transgenders have often been regarded holy. However, that has not protected them from discrimination at work or even inclusion in our society. While discrimination is a fundamental problem in India along the lines of gender, economy, caste and religion, we interact with all these sections of society. We're friends with people from different religions and economies but how many of us have ever had the opportunity to talk normally with a transgender?

In my experience, I've awkwardly thrust money into their hands at traffic lights, intimidated and afraid.

In this gloomy scenario, I was pleased to find that the Bharatanatyam teacher at my college is a transgender. She was fresh and amazing. She was very passionate about the dance form and had trained rigorously for years.

There wasn't an iota of awkwardness. All my initial inhibitions had just melted. I felt proud of my institution for not discriminating against her.

It opened up a platform for discussion on this pressing issue and gave hope for the winds of change. Everybody has a bit of femininity and masculinity in them. Biologically, we have both hormones - testosterone and estrogen. Some of us like to express ourselves in different ways. While the society today doesn't bat an eyelid at a woman who dons a suit, it looks down upon men who outwardly exhibit feminine characteristics. I think there is a subtext here which implies manliness is more superior, but that is just my view. After doing some cursory Wikipedia based research, I was happy to see that Tamil Nadu had a lot of schemes for the improvement of their welfare.

I think things are looking better. Recently, I saw a band perform which comprised completely of transgenders. I envision a day in the future when a man can wear feminine clothes and receive the same supreme unconcern as a woman in masculine clothes.

How I Dance at Concerts

In the limited 2x2 space you get in the gallery of the concert you are standing, here are my tips to satisfy that inner desi dancer in you.

#1 Choose a suitable seat

This is very important. Among the various spots you want to choose one close to another danceaholic, because dancing solo is just too mainstream and a place far from the lights where we wouldn't want to feel shy suddenly and stop.

#2 Build up tempo

Allow the first two or three songs to set the resonant frequency of your heart to the beats coming from the amplifier. You need to allow the music to enter your soul and permeate to every nook and cranny of your body. So it's ok if you don't dance for the first few songs.

#3 Judge foot space

Very important to know just how much you can move your feet around. Mostly, it'll be enough for turning using the heel as the pivot without any translational movement. Especially accident prone me who would've toppled down all the steps of the gallery without this precaution.

#4 Start dancing

Now there is really nothing left to do than just start dancing! Trust yourself and just let your limbs go loose.

#5 Where to take a break

All those slow songs are cue for you to take rest and just give those aching limbs some rest.

Have fun!
After all, ain't nobody like a desi girl.

The Cosmic Dance and Physics

I was recently reminded of subatomic physics and its parallel with the Hindu philosophy. So, I read the relevant chapter in the Tao of Physics by Fritjof Captra and wanted to share the story. Disclaimer: this is not a religious post. I talk about science and stories, not religion because I believe religion is a personal choice quite unsuited for discussion. Philosophy and spirituality on the other hand are the underlying basis of humanity and quite open for debate. I digress here, what I mean to say is proceed reading for an interesting parallel between the cosmic dance of Nataraja and the sub-atomic particles.

From the dawn of recorded science, all forces in nature have been classified into four types alone. The strongest of these forces are those found within an atom. We have all learnt that an atom has three primary subatomic particles - protons, electrons and neutrons. The nucleus is comprised of protons and neutrons. We also know that like charges repel. The force of repulsion between two like charges is stronger as they come closer. Now imagine what you may have done as a kid, held two repelling magnets together. Imagine you had to wrestle a force much larger as two protons in a nucleus are unimaginably close together in the nucleus! And to top it off, you don't just have two protons in a typical nucleus but much more. The nuclear force holds all these protons that are struggling to release, together. This makes it extremely powerful. This is high energy physics.

Now inside this exciting nucleus where all these interactions are happening, the discussion of matter and anti-matter is inevitable. Thanks to Dan Brown, everyone has heard of anti-matter. It directly follows from the duality of mass and energy, how mass can be converted into energy and vice versa. Antimatter is a form of energy that is massless and may have charge. It is very difficult to visualize it as our notions of mass and charge are vague spherical bodies in our textbooks. Within a nucleus, collisions of particles lead to a cycle of creation and destruction of matter though the overall is stable at a macro view. It is an intricate and orderly chaos.

Indians are very familiar with the cycle of birth and death, creation and destruction. The image of the dancing Nataraja is something I was very drawn to. In those yellowing history textbooks about the bronze images created by the Cholas, I saw something of a genius there that lay forgotten. Years later when my interest in dance was renewed, I could not help noticing the beautiful balance of grace and wildness, the masculine and the feminine. The Yin and the Yang.

The image of Nataraja signifies that Shiva is in an eternal cosmic dance to keep the universe in order. Again, chaos for order. In the midst of fire, the high energy and rhythm, the dance resonates with time and space. The drum signifies vibration as the source of all activity and eventually, life. His hands signify both creation and destruction. One of them also reassures us that all will be will in this endless activity as he stands on the head of ignorance. His face is the central point of focus, the detached calm point of equality.

The parallels are staggering. I do not claim that our ancestors discovered the God particle years ago, I believe their senses of science and observation were immaculate. Their reasoning about the world lead them to distil away all distractions and hone in on one simple unchanging truth - change and repetition are the only facts in this world - chaos and order.

We are merely elements of this spectacular dance.

 

Nataraja gifted by India to CERN

 

 

Navarasa

Born on the ninth month of the year, I write

nine lines each about the nine rasas and bring light

to our traditional drama aesthetics.

Love is infinite like the stretching sky,

precious, as the stars that bedeck it. By

virtue, the mother of emotions,

nurturing and caring like the notions 

of the trees and sweet rain. The only one,

beautiful, like the day that had begun

soft among the dewdrops, where the other

is more than self and yet, like a flower,

blooms. This is the first rasa, Sringara.

Laughter breaks the silence like the chirpy

birds that rouse one from a deep sleep. Happy

thoughts make one buoyant like those wisps of cloud

that float on a wind stream. This mirth is loud,

extinguishing awkward pauses, as those

crashing waves of ocean as the wind blows

on a quiet beach. The happy heart glows

with the warmth of a firefly on a rose.

Thus, this is the second rasa, Hasyam.

Anger rises in one's soul uncoiling,

like the snake towards light, from unending

depths of sorrow. It snaps like a strong twig

trodden by infinite ants, then, a big

explosion ensues, as thunder thunders

across a rainy night. Mother Nature's

fury, at times, can be a sight of plight,

unleashing storms from her heavenly height.

This is the fiery third rasa, Raudram.

Mercy soothes the ailing heart as the rain 

does to the cracked lands of a desert. Pain

vanishes as those tiny birds that fly

into the horizon. It is quite nigh

impossible to find a state divine

as this. It is the rainbow coloured line,

that describes the need for both sun and rain,

both the giver and the taker do gain.

Thus, this is the fourth rasa, Karunyam.

Disgust turns one away like scalded tongues

from hot food, like stars from the day. One's lungs

turn away from smoke, the nose from ill smell.

This feeling contorts the face and can tell

others the displeasure. The heart does yearn

to correct it, like the bud does want to learn

the world beyond and blooms. Yet, it consoles

itself as it cannot make all the souls

happy. This is the fifth rasa, Bibhatsam.

Horror engulfs the heart like an eclipse

in the midst of day. Have to come to grips

with the reality and yet, go away,

far away, like the deer runs from lion's way.

The heart does pick up a lightning fast pace,

like the birds that scatter from a fast chase.

The howling winds among the cackling leaves

on a dark night horrifies even thieves.

This is the sixth rasa, Bhayanakam.

Heroism is a rare emotion.

It rises in the time of need, a notion

of duty, like the bird that saved the ant.

The bravery that rises, like a plant,

growing towards sunlight, searches for honour,

saving people in distress. The valour

protecting all, like the spread canopy

of the forest sheltering its city.

Thus, this is the seventh rasa, Viram.

  

Wonder expands inside one, like ripples

move away so beautifully, riddles

and mysteries of life bring it about.

The star-studded night sky showering doubt

on one's place in God's plan, the sun nestled

among the mountains, dew drops that settled

from nowhere on the grass at breaking dawn;

everything's a wonder from doe to fawn.

Thus, this is the eighth rasa, Adbhutham.

Peace is the queen of all the emotions,

a state like no other, the one relation

to true self-discovery. The tranquil seas

on a quiet day, the waves that do tease

the ear from conch, the simultaneous

stillness of the soul along with the radiance

of understanding. The height of victory

achieved by the emotions' liberty.

Thus, the very last rasa is Santam.

I hope I have fulfilled my earnest wish,

my new take on the Navarasa list.