My Experience with Tamil Weddings

This is a record of how I spent my time before, during and after weddings across the years.

Ages 3 - 8

I was and always will be a lazy kid. What I did every wedding is this.

I would ask any immediate adult to carry me and frown imperiously until my feet were off the ground. In fact, my mom can never stop talking about how I would beg her to carry her and I would stand so impossibly so close to her legs right in front that she would have no choice but to dislodge me and finally give in.

I'm sorry!

During these stages, all I could ascertain is that the scenes were similar to the wedding photos of my parents.

Ages 8 - 11

This was the age I was discovering my personality. And there was absolutely nothing to do in a wedding as a socially awkward kid like me. I didn't find many kids my age, I am among the oldest cousins in my family. My favourite cousins were not even born at this stage and my very own sister was a babbling baby.

So I devised this fool proof method to keep myself occupied!

I had no clue what was going on and just tucked myself in a corner.

The size of the books increased linearly with time.

Ages 11 - 14

Now this was the time I became more involved with weddings. Sleepless nights of "plate decoration", chatting and what not. This is a custom where we decorate plates with glitter and food stuff. Plenty of picasso'ish moments later I'd make something like this.

This is a stainless steel plate with food stuck on it

That's a diya lamp (?)

The bottom is made of peas and the flame is made of bengal gram!

The plate was worse than the drawing!!!

We got paid for it too!
The dress selection, the accessory selection and gold jewellery. Gold is an absolute essential. I may be wearing a Victoria style gown for the wedding but that would be complemented by a gold twisted chain that no English lady would have dared sport.

Victorian dress with ruff and a pencil skirt with slit!

I enjoyed weddings most in this period. There were hide and seek games in the lawns, endless games of word builder, dance offs, races and dares. Word Builder games lasted all night with me and my cousin furiously saying words that both begin and end with 'e'. And keeping track of previous words, like you did say ellipse right?, not eclipse?

Ages 19 onward

Obviously took a long break from weddings.

Here is a handy guide for the lost nerd to Tamil weddings.
Warning : This list is girly stuff - warning my uninterested readers.

#1 Plan early

Most probably you might be wearing a saree for either wedding or reception. Please try that damn thing. The blouse won't fit in the last minute, you may not have enough safety pins, your hair may get stuck in the stone work on your blouse (True Story).

#2 Learn to not give a damn

You might have just spent thousands in terms of money or time on this one day look. It doesn't matter because people are going to find thousand faults with it. I find this mostly in the same age group do this. See if there is a genuine concern and mentally take notes. Else dispose of the opinions immediately. A smile is your biggest ornament. Funnily ever since I adopted this approach, I seem to not receive much negativity. And dressing up is something I've found fun contrary to what nerds have been led to believe.

#3 Gold Matters

Statistically, nerds hate gold, myself included. The colour is despicable, the shine is practically imagined and you feel like reminding your mom that it is one of the most non-reactive metals when your mom tries to tell you its atoms are good for you ?! ("Thangam odambula ottuna nallathu"). After wasting loads of time and negotiations, this is the handy guide I have reached.

 - Try to get gold toned clothes so that it doesn't stick out so garishly.
 - Communicate that you do not want to look like a jewellery advertisement.

#4 Photographs

I just adore both taking photos and being photographed during weddings. What more to celebrate than capture these moments for posterity.

#5 Engaging younger cousins

This is a rudimentary skill. I usually off-load these requests to my ever-engaging sister. In the small matters of teaching kids how to play musical chairs (you do not sing and run around it endlessly!), or carrying a kid after my own footsteps, you could be mentally prepared for it.

#6 Enjoy yourself

This is a period of no responsibilities! Except for a smattering of rituals, you can devote yourself to the photographs, talk endlessly with people, Instagram, Facebook and show off generally. Your mom will drishti-sutthify/nazar-utharify when everything is done, enjoy.

#7 Take time to deconstruct your costume

The day would end anti-climatically if you poke yourself with a rusted safety pin. The particular wedding that prompted me to write this culminated with me extracting a safety pin from my hair the next day and imagining headaches.

All said and done, weddings have been most enjoyable and fun events that have intrigued me.

P.S To the nerds who realized I used continuous class intervals, take whichever limit you want!
P.P.S Yes, I grew up with Hindu Pillai Tamil weddings, there are vast differences between Tamil Weddings themselves. Just that a convoluted heading like 'My Experience with Hindu Chozhia Vellalar Pillai Tamil Weddings' sounds crazy!
P.P.P.S. I just illustrated my own post :)

Entrance Exams?

God knows how many competitive exams I've written, the entire experience excites me to no end. I could be writhing in pain one moment, but the moment I'm in an exam, it's my playing field, the adrenaline is intense and the pain lies long forgotten.

For the first time in life, I was on the other side. I was the invigilator. The imposing person? Surprisingly I was also nervous. I wanted to make the experience as calm as possible.

Me and my friend were discussing so many things. How to stagger the distribution of question papers and answer sheets. There were no bells, that's another matter.  How to give instructions, how to ensure the OMR's are filled, not to forget to get their attendance signed, what to write on the board. Frankly, it's a confusing procedure and it's nerve wracking to speak to an audience that is looking up to you with a mixture of fear and anticipation.

There were two exams, objective and subjective. The objective paper was for one hour, one guy was anxiously asking about the time, another came late, another wanted water. That was one serious drawback, no water was there. We tried getting some but to no avail. We were walking back and forth with so much enthusiasm

As I walked, I made such interesting observations. Some students were trained to solve aptitude questions faster, I saw remnants of my CAT coaching shine on some rough sheets, some students were just genius solving unconventionally. I took care not to stand at any place and obviously look into any paper, just glances because all our epic fails are when an invigilator stares at you and gives you goosebumps.

And then, it started to get fun and boring when the subjective examination started. It was a two hours exam; me and my friend started solving the aptitude paper out of sheer boredom. This policing business is totally against my nature because am inherently very trusting. Still, there are many things that made my worth, apart from the incessant whispers with my friend ;) For example, the types of students:

 #1 The tension party

I've always been told I look ridiculous in exams. Pursed lips, deep frowns and scratching head would be me. There was one guy just like that. This student probably sports thick glasses and has millions of doubts on how to fill the paper, whether a calculator can be used, whether you can tick the question paper and capable of invoking sympathy in the invigilator.

#2 The cool dude

This guy had his calculator right beside him even after I said not to use it. He looked at me so quizzically daring me to ask him to keep it inside considering he's not using it. His replies consisted of grunts and basically a look that said I don't care about what you think. Left the hall early like a boss.

#3 The expressive guy

This guy was perfectly normal throughout the exam. Except when he begins to think deeply, then he'll wink at the ceiling (?!). Not look at the ceiling, scrunch up all his muscles and wink at the ceiling. Like, stop, you are freaking me out. Casually ignoring yet trying to define his weird expression.

#4 The office drone

This guy probably had a very boring job, middle aged, didn't like English and had to have every instruction translated to Hindi. Fell asleep promptly in the middle of the exam. Basically had the air of "I'm bored" stuck in an infinite loop.

#5 The pretty mistakes

This girl was completely confident, not nervous, poised and carried herself with a grace I could never attain in light years. Pretty impressed, I was wondering how she would've done the exam. And then when I collected her question paper, she had completely disregarded my instructions on not writing on the question paper and when I questioned her about it she had the audacity to look at me and say, "I'll erase the pencil marks" leaving some inked up portions that I had no clue how to report to my seniors. God willing nothing happened, why these people take such risks, I do not understand.

#6 The dumb smart guy

This fellow was looking all around the room and never at his paper. I wondered how he even managed to finish the paper. Then he will ask such small harmless questions that you cannot answer without giving away the answer. It took me full five minutes to realize the ploy, I don't know if it was intentional or not, and keep my cool and say answer the question how he feels.

#7 The confused polite

This guy is silent, polite, well-mannered and made me feel like I'm doing such a wonderful job. Until he grabbed my water bottle - being thirsty turns him from teddy bear to King Kong :P

I was involved with the corrections also. Three people from this list made it to the interviews. Comment below who you think made it ;)

Apart from that, it was wonderful. When you're invigilating, time moves very slowly contrary to how every student feels within the exam hall. Getting masala vada breaks the monotony.

Now all I can say is, learning, teaching and evaluating are all art forms in their own rights and best wishes to all of them.


 

The Female Vote

The historic period of the Homo Sapiens is around 2500 years. It was only a mere 100 years ago, that women got the right to vote. Being a proud voter, I thought I would share some thoughts with you.

200 years ago, a portly highly respectable Englishman gave rational explanations on why married women cannot be allowed to engage in any form of trade.

"By marriage, the personal identity of the woman is lost. Her person is completely sunk in that of her husband, and he acquires an absolute mastery over her person and effects. Hence her complete disability to contract legal obligations; and except in the event of separation by divorce, or other causes, a married woman in the United Kingdom cannot engage in trade"





I am not finding fault with this respectable gentleman, He was an astute business man and a highly practical and in sync with his times. Even today when women are thought to be unadjusting and selfish if they do not subscribe to the views of their parents/husband/in-laws, one can only imagine how subservient women must've been 150 odd years ago, even the wealthy jewels residing in the glorious imperial capital of the world at the time.

The very beginning of recorded English feminism I personally feel is with the publication of Mary Wollstonecraft's "A Vindication of the Rights of Women". She argues that women are not naturally inferior to men, but appear to be only because they lack education. She suggests that both men and women should be treated as rational beings and imagines a social order founded on reason. (Source: Wikipedia, I've read the book, was too easy to cut-copy-paste :P)

The 1800's were a tumultous time for women. For example,

This handsome man on the right is none other than one of the most prolific physicists of England, Michael Faraday. His contributions and his ability to think out of the box is examplary. He was particularly drawn to Science by the elementary textbook written by the lady on the left Marcet Jane called "Conversations in Chemistry" where she extolled young women to spend time understanding Science.


This is a rather curious example stored in my head that I wanted to share at this point. Women were "daring" to say things other than what they had been taught, what they had been raised to perform. Another example, Elizabeth Garett Anderson became the first female physician. She had to fight an uphill task, no company whatsoever, hiring private tutors, becoming a nurse and slowly convincing people of her abilities and really the necessity to study medicine.

One baby step at a time, education, graduation, jobs and elf respect were improving.

I believe every woman, at some point of her life or the other, will truly and desperately wish she was a man. And that is the seed of feminism, to fight against this "guilt" of being who we are. Similarly, women almost exactly 100 years ago, started aggressively fighting for rights as education for women became more widespread. Both slow passive approaches and massively militant approaches were also tried by women to fight for their rights.

This was really the golden era, the blooming Industrial Revoultion, the age of the Titanic. Women realized they do not have a fundamental right, the right to vote. The French Revolution, for example, established a democracy in 1789 that awarded male adult franchise. This, when half the people who stormed Bastille were hungry ladies who were tired of seeing their babies die. The right to vote was a long drawn battle, notably led by Emmeline Pankhurst and her daughters alongside Milicent Fawcett. They were known as the suffragettes.

And just like every other person who tries to do something different, these women recieved a lot of flak.

 

 

What really helped women push the tide of patriarchy was in some twisted sense, the First World War. As men were conscripted to participate in the army, women unassumedly took over all major occupations at home. With increased movement and exposure, many were able to see the appalling conditions of female factory workers. As the war culminated in 1918, women in the US and UK got the right the vote.

They are by no means the first countries to grant the right.  New Zealand is the first country. However, the movements in these two countries have been greatly recorded. And, the English Suffragettes were directly in touch with our own women in India and helped us get the right to vote right from the Montagu Chemlsford Reforms in 1919.

Women's day is a day whose genesis lies in this movement overall movement across the world.

Why I have gone on this long winded history is because I want to show my fellow women that we have got this right to vote, that we now take for granted, with great difficulty. While it is important for any citizen to vote rationally, it is essential we use our 10 million neurons to rationally and personally vote. Today when I hear things like, I vote for this party because my family said so, my heart cringes. I don't mean rationally if you happen to follow your families choices it is bad. I mean, without giving a moment's thought and subscribing to somebody's views is not acceptable, Are we going back to the old ages? Let us not put this effort and pain and struggle in vain. We fought for the nation's independence, and coupled with this, it is our highest obligation that we do our jobs well, ladies. It is invigorating to vote because it is a personification of your individuality.

Things people say that frustrate me

Presenting without further ado, stuff that bother me.

#1 Hmmm/Maybe

This is simply the most irritating statement I have ever heard. Here I am, spending all my energy and creativity and deploying sarcasm and wit and all you can contribute is a Hmmm?! At least say, "what can I reply to that?" or "I've lost you there" or just a smiley, you know "Hmmm :-)". Now you've given me this one word and I have no idea whether you're angry-yet-restraining/mad/sad/plain-stupid/awkwardly-typing-something-to-fill-gap-in-conversation. Now while I reason between my choices, you get bored and walk away. Typical.

Or I ask, "What was that?", politely and pretend to be stupid and ask you to explain.

#2 No signal/Transaction failed/All phone lines on this route are busy

Look, life in general is not pretty 24x7. DO NOT take away the tiny things in life that are capable of bringing a smile to my heart or at least have the courtesy to give me a bubble blower. Then, you are forgiven.

#3 I will cut only this much hair

I confess I really like my wild, unmanageably curly and moderate length hair. Yes, I am a feminist who likes pink and curly hair, moving on. And then when you when I ask for a trim, you say you're going to trim and leave me with nearly a military shave(writers take note, exaggeration is known as hyperbole). I mean why do you do this to me? That fallen hair is not going to benefit any of you, I will anyway pay you the preposterous amount of money you asked. It is not directly proportional to the amount you cut. Why. Why. And then you will proceed to lecture me how much easier it will be to maintain. Oh I see, why don't you shave your head :P

P.S. Yes, I know hair isn't important, insert politically correct statement here.

#4 You ought to eat more and put on more weight

Yes thank you for your pearls of wisdom. In general, people who want me to change how I eat/dress/talk, I say thank you, hoping that'll forever stem further pearls from your vast indexed database of unsolicited advice because no matter how I am, you will always have an opinion that we lowly human beings are incapable of following with the ease you practise them .

#5 Why don't you know how to cook?

Oh don't have the need, pay my mess bill myself and have awesome home food.

#6 You are afraid of pain, which is so weird for girls ( while convincing me to try some gruesome wax for example),

I am beautiful the way I am. I will wash my face, comb my hair, apply some makeup because that makes me feel good for myself and I like the way I look in the mirror that way. Imperfection is perfection. I will not stoop so low so as to inflict pain on my body to attain some surreal ideology of beauty that is defined by this complex evolution of society. And, it is independent of any gender.

#7 You should take care of your health more

This statement is the worst thing you can hear when you're sick. You want to get better, not be told off!

#8 I'm really proud of your achievements. Only thing is, it'll be so difficult to find a guy for you who is more qualified than you.

Dear aunty, I am an equality-demanding non-homely non-stereotypical nightmare. Please, my qualification is the least of your groom hunting problems.

These are answers that always pop into my head, but I believe in being polite so most unfortunately I never voice them and smile sheepishly. That way, the irritation only lasts a second. I believe in being optimistic because life is short. Enjoy it, don't waste it on being frustrated. And, hopefully I shouldn't ask such things ;)

Men Empowerment

Today I attended a "women" event. It was wonderful to meet techie, intelligent and diverse women from various fields.

One of the organizers said we organized this to empower women. We wanted to bring this on Women's Day, but overshot it by a week. He was curious about what we do on Women's Day.

And then he started being true to himself. He started saying how no one remembers Men's Day and how no one remembers it and he asked when it is. Well of course I answered it was on November 19 ;)

And then I thought, this guy is whining to whatever degree societal norm allowed. He really truly believed misrepresented and underprivileged and I thought it would be fun if I tried to empower him. You know, returning a favour.

#1 We don't celebrate Men's Day as much as Women's Day, that's sad

It is true that nobody celebrates Men's Day as much as Women's Day. Nobody creates Men's only events to discuss your problems and issues. It is so difficult for you to find a like minded man to talk about that girl you sighted, that game you played, that code you developed.

Women's Day, as I've said earlier, was first observed in 1911 so as to spread a message for equal rights for women including the fundamental right to vote. Men's day was started because Men felt bad they had to work on a holiday, felt unequal and reverse discriminated.

Women's Day is a day of celebrating one day of achievements. Men's day is yet another day of celebration.

It's only a matter of time before Men's Day gets hyped and you'd have offers on all your favourite products. The UN has acknowledged that it will lead to better gender diversity. And economy.

#2. Men have to be responsible for the family.

That is absolutely true. I am doing a PhD and I know if I were a Man, people would have advised me to not take it up, there is no money while studying, how will I support a family and so on. So, I'd have assured them I will mint money after the degree either here or if need be, abroad.

I'm so happy I don't have that burden, all I have to deal with are questions on how I'm going to get married if I study so much, how will I get married if I'm going to marry after four years, you will get an old guy, get random advice telling me don't get carried about your success or you will not learn about how to adjust in a relationship(actually should be plural because they sometimes refer to the relations of the 'relationee'), and how if I want to go abroad, they will have to find a 'foreign mappillai'.

#3 Men need jobs. Women who are going to quit them when they get married need not take them. This is taking away jobs for men who might actually need it to support their family.

I quite understand this is how a Man who didn't get a job would feel. A bread winner is more important than a hobbyist. Knowing how important this job is for you, you worked so hard and didn't get a job because somebody who didn't need the job was motivated and talented to be hired for the job than you. And Women take jobs because they want to earn, feel good, save up and then quit to spend time with family and make others feel good. Man, find solace, a Woman gets married way earlier than the time your parents realize a daughter in law would be a great addition, you'll have plenty of time to get that job she quits and start an empire by the time you have a family. Be strong.

#4 Men are always the bad guys

I understand with increasing awareness of atrocities against Women, Men feel uncomfortable being stared at as evil guys, being feared. Men have become clueless whether being gentlemanly is good or demeaning.

I really empathize with you. I really do know about uncomfortable stares. Stares that make you feel guilty of breathing. Stares that you perceive but don't dare meet in case that might signal acknowledgement. Stares of wonder. Stares of disbelief. Stares of disgust. Stares of expectation.

#5 Men take responsibility for Women. Men are responsible for themselves. It is unfair.

The burden of responsibility is huge. Men need to take care of parents and future family, need to provide for them. I totally agree this is completely true and unfair. Today's society is not driven by physical protection at least in civilised parts of it. Sometimes, you need a day off, you need to feel taken care of, I don't mean the nursing-kind of taking care that only moms have, the real care where you need not worry and divide the burden with somebody else. I empathize with you, I really would like that to change, no sarcasm here.

Ok, I've had my fun. Real talks, the issues that affect women have a totally different dimension to it. As society changes so dynamically and vibrantly to accommodate them, there are unique issues for men that need to be addressed.

In today's society empowering a man, would be to relieve him of massive societal obligations, to tell him it is alright to share his burdens, his responsibilities, to tell him it is ok to cry sometimes. Empowering a man should make him feel comfortable about women, somebody who can listen and contribute equally. Empowering men would eliminate the absolute call of duty, the pressure to lead. Empowering men, will be to make minds broader, will allow him to pursue his passion to his zenith. Empowering men is not to make men weak, it is to make men not pretend to be stronger and macho than they are.

What I'm trying to say is,
Empowering Men and Empowering Women will lead to an honest acceptance of two wonderfully different and diverse people for who we are on an equal footing.

Personally, I'm a feminist, I believe women's rights are neglected and very important. Somewhere down the line, I realize we cannot expect these changes suddenly in a jiffy. But I feel, men are being empowered too in our society to handle this change. Let us come together. One for all, and all for one.

Life at IITM

The purpose of this post is two-fold.

a)

Shameless celebration. My grandma's home and can perform powerful warding-off-evil-eye with the "drishti-suthifying" salt. Hence, I'm allowed to indulge myself in this act.

 

(from Red I guess, it goes very well with the colour theme of my blog!)

 

I made it to IIT - Madras :) :) :) PhD Scholar, Computer Science.

 



b)

To try and make sense of what's been happening the past six months. Trying to find out if what I experienced was anything like what I wished for on my sweet sixteen. (Honestly :P I remember I rushed to IIT class in my birthday dress!)

So, I'm sure countless people want to know what it's like to be at IIT-M. I can only speak from the perspective of a member of the steadily growing research community, though Insti is famous as an undergraduate institution.

1. IIT Madras is beautiful

The first impression I had was, I am going to be in an institution that was built within a forest. Every single day, seeing the deer and the banyan trees and the glorious sunsets was a constant source of wonder. Even yesterday, I was able to spot a beautiful rainbow against a backdrop of trees. However upset you are, a walk in the 600-odd acre campus is the best therapy you can get in searing hot Chennai.

 

2) Everything has a lot of procedures!

From admissions to solemn written oaths to be ecologically responsible, you will wish you had a better signature than spelling out your name on all those documents! Not to mention the dreaded medical tests, my face was so downcast when I saw the number of medical tests I had to pass and as my close friends know, I'd rather write another entrance exam! All went well and nothing was amiss and I was finally, finally a part of IIT-M after I received my ID card.

3) I became a lot more independent.

Being in hostel for the first time was something I always wanted to experience; to be able to care for oneself to the extent possible. It took some time for an early bird like me to put up with the fact breakfast won't be ready till seven when you have an eight o' clock class, the inability to bicycle will lead you to eventually plan to be ready by 7:30 in case you miss the 7:30 shuttle, you'll catch the 7:45 one. What will take most time, is to drag your feet on a day when you have no class to simply put attendance. After some rounds of locking doors, leaving doors wide open, getting stuck in lift experiences, missing food in mess, I gradually fell into a rhythm of attending classes, working in lab, calling for the late night shuttle if needed, eating midnight snacks and studying in groups during quiz week, gearing up for a few disappointments, watching movies with friends and having fun!

4) New friends, new experiences

From room mates to batch mates to lab mates, I have a plethora of people to depend upon and share my time happily. Most of them are older than me, yet it is with ease that I'm able to talk to them and have made some best friends. Plus, my 22nd birthday was a riot at hostel!

5) I worked

I won't say I worked academically like never before. I definitely put more effort in high school. But I worked very very hard. It took me a lot of time to get adjusted to the system of continuous evaluation with programming assignments and lab talks and things I hardly even remember. Here, classes are course based, so you make another set of friends for practically each subject. I didn't celebrate most of the festivals this season , except thankfully Deepavali, and then went on to get a C in the subject I sacrificed these aforementioned festivals! Of which feat I am still very proud no matter ;) My grades were good, and as every student says, I will do better next semester, start research and study well :D

6) I got interested in research, big time!

Apart from savouring freedom in the social front, the anticipation of one of the most unrestrained academic journeys with the highest degree has swelled like a bubble within me, thanks to the countless orientations. I hope I can make a significant contribution to the field of computer science.

7) The bee syndrome

Apart from the total stillness of sound on some nights, there is always a perpetual buzz here. Be it talks with friends, or activities, or clubs, or magazine editing, or nature walks, or cricket (that's another story!), there is always so very much to participate in. Eagerly looking forward to my first mega fest experience!

I think it is definitely better than anything I dreamed it would be like.


 

Google Google

You don't search things anymore, you google them. Ever since I began pursuing my higher studies, I've been hearing about the landmark paper - Brin and Page [1998] - sometimes in context, sometimes in jest that its effectiveness was not realised at that time. The fundamental idea - PageRank - found many applications thereafter. The point I'm trying to make is, Google is extremely good at discovering data that its user wants - and as personalised as possible.

One of the more charming aspects of Google, autocomplete, caught my attention. As always, autocomplete is a reflection of popularity of searches with the typed words of your query.

Today is United Nations Day. In the few weeks preceding, United Nations Women had an interesting ad campaign.

These results are region specific. I tried "women should" from my region and a very interesting gem I unearthed was "women should not be educated". Guffawing loudly, I spent an hour reading arguments that convinced me that feminism is very much necessary in this day and age as well. At least, to acknowledge that sexism and a sense of telling women what to do or even discuss what they should be allowed to do pervades global society.